Okay, so I’m a car whore. No surprises there.

I am in love with a different car every few days – I even drive a bunch of them.

Truth be told, most of the cars that I drove leave me somewhat .. unmoved. A reviewer in today’s New York Times discusses how disconnected they are from car prices – and how challenging it would be to actually spend money on most of these cars.

I feel that same way. I drive something and think “uh .. wow. That’s a lot of greenbacks”.

My feelings and experiences with cars have always been influenced by the writers in the several automotive publications – especially that of Car & Driver and Automobile magazines. As many have noticed, there isn’t any difference between these publications anymore. They always print about the same cars, the same topics and for the most part, they all say the same thing.

Witness the revised VW Beetle. Have you seen a single article that has failed to prominently mention that it’s more “manly”? Manly? It looks more like a Beetle, but manly? Have you SEEN one? It looks like .. a Beetle. Inside – it looks like my 1969 Beetle was updated with modern instruments and airbags. And, something less than a flat pane of glass for the windshield.

People are unwilling to go out onto a limb and say something unique or creative at all.

So, the new version of the iconic Beetle is “masculine”, the new Buicks are either too expensive or too inexpensive, the new Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet is ugly, and you read the same damned thing on every page of every publication everywhere.

The formula goes:

Introduce car type/size/brand – remark on history “Hyundai sure has come a long way since that Excel nightmare”. Make doubtful remark about their ability to maintain their lead/enter a market/stay in a market/stay in business based on doubt that the new model/entry can rise above/make a mark/survive.

Compare model being reviewed to the standard for this size/class/ideal/impossible standard never achieved. Make a comment about the market, and past mistakes by the brand/manufacturer. Point out someone else did it better.

Discuss the car’s visuals and materials quality/manufacturing standard. Compare VW/American built cars unfavorably based on quality of interior materials. Suggest/hint that the rest of the car will be found equally wanting.

Drive car around block. Make three points about the car’s drive experience; one point can be how people on the road viewed the car.

Discuss price according to following guidelines -

Too expensive

VW/Audi, Buick/GM/Cadillac, Lincoln, Chrysler (make suggestion that Chrysler won’t be able to sell any at that price)

No comment on price

Bentley, Mercedes, BMW, Porsche, Lexus

Laud how inexpensive it is for what you’re getting

Hyundai, Toyota, Nissan, Honda

Avoid pricing concerns – point out that no one will buy them

Acura (all), Infiniti (all except G)

Make wry remark that repeats negative comments; re-make competitive comparison favorable to the competition whether or not the car you’re reviewing is actually competing with the comparison you’ve chosen.

Pat self on back.

Hit “submit”

There is no soul in this writing. No reason to read it. No reason for it to exist.

And yet, this writing is expanding – pushing out anything in its path.

Point of fact: I’m a car whore. Always have been, always will be. However, we are seeing fewer and fewer color choices on modern cars than ever before.

Especially when a car is fully loaded, the colors found on the dealer lots are more likely as not to be black outside and black inside.

I have wondered this for months. Why so few colors on the ground? I have noticed that dealers are even reluctant to special order a car in a color that’s not black/black. Why?

Salesmen will tell you that it’s because the black/black combination is what customers want. I think that the truth is more on the egg side than on the chicken side of the question.

I was talking with John, my car whore buddy who has worked in the retail auto industry for years and he told me that black/black is ordered because it can ALWAYS be dealer-traded to get something else. This keeps the franchisee from having to keep a car color that might not sell right away, and that other dealers will be reluctant to trade for. It’s the least risky choice.

Surrounded by black/black, dark gray and black, dark blue and black, silver and black, with the occasional white and black – the consumers make a choice. Do they pay full retail and wait for a color, or do they just accept a car that is indistinguishable from pavement? You know, the roads on which we drive.

Black is like damp asphalt at night.
Silver is like concrete on a dreary day – so is silver/gold and its permutations
Many whites are more like dry concrete on a sunny day than white
Dark grays are like wet pavement, pavement on a cloudy day or icy pavement

Black interiors? Here in the Southwest, where the summer sun can warm your car to a temperature exceeding 180 in just an hour? Black is insane. In casual testing, a guy at an Audi store measured a black/black car at over 40 degrees HOTTER inside than a white/beige car.

Black interior is also just .. invisible. There’s nothing there.

So – your choices on the lot are pavement with black. Or, wait and pay more. Is it that the customers are REQUESTING this combination, or is it more accurate to say that they’re ACCEPTING this combination?

Travel to any other country in the world, and the cars on the roads will remind you of a fresh bag of jelly beans – black is only used on cars in professional service.

Why are we colorless? Why do we accept this?

“What a fool I was, what a dominated fool,
to think that you were the earth and the sky,
What a fool I was, What an elevated fool,
What a mutton-headed dote was I!
No, my reverberated friend,
you are not the beginning and the end.”

“Without You”, from the musical “My Fair Lady” by Lerner and Lowe

It occurs to me that the drum thumping we’re hearing about “being green” is just a new way to sell us stuff.

I bought my first car of my own choosing in 1977. I bought my first brand new car in 1978. I have slavishly followed the introduction of new chrome trim, of slightly more horsepower, of new upholstery since well before I had a driver license.

I have spent, in a rough estimate, $117,800 in depreciation since 1977, plus all of the interest to have a few weeks of feeling like I had the newest, most up to date ..whatever.

Call it an even hundred fifty thou. To have six brand spankin’ new GM cars and three brand spankin’ new Ford cars that made me feel like I was the leader of the pack for a total of three months each, so twenty-seven months.

Five Thousand, Five Hundred, Fifty Five and 55/100 Dollars per month. $185.00 a day.

The point of this is that last week, I drove my twelve year old Buick to Dallas and back the same day. She achieved more than 28 miles per gallon on the freeway.

I paid $3800 for her, and she’ll be worth $3800 tomorrow, next week and next year.

There is no loan, so she’s costing me nothing, sitting out there in the car port. Just the insurance, which is only sixty bucks a month.

What do I give away by not having the newest, the most up to date car?
Fuel economy? Nothing.
Comfort? Nothing.
Gadgets? Nothing, once I install a new stereo into her.
Unique appearance? Find another one; I’m practically driving a flying saucer
Environmental emissions? Sure, my emissions aren’t as clean as a brand new car – BUT I’m not consuming any new natural resources, or contributing to any new emissions related to the manufacturing process.

So, owning the car costs me nothing but the repairs, the gas mileage is equivalent to nearly anything sold newly, my safety features are up to date, my toys and features are up to date and this thing will NEVER cost me interest or depreciation.

And yet, the pull of the new car is so very strong.

But I’m done being a fool.