I’ve previously belabored the point that auto dealers and auto manufacturers don’t do a terrific job at the internet – so, rather than do a great job with that, they’ve now begun to launch into hand held applications.

Lovely.

There are dealership applications, enthusiast apps, and manufacturer’s apps. I’m going to review the handful of manufacturer’s apps in this post. Dealership apps seem to be uniformly an opportunity to send push marketing to whatever sucker has downloaded them. Why someone would want their handheld to chirp “Come on down! We’re making CRAZY deals!!” is beyond me, but.. it’s not for me to say. Let me call out the Alex Rodriguez MB application, though, as being very snappy. I’ll talk about it a bit later.

As to the manufacturers themselves, there are two basic types available – telematics/roadside assistance and operating instructions. These apps are uniformly available for both iOS and for Android, but not for Win 7 mobile or other platforms.

Roadside assistance apps tend to be the realm of the premium brands – Audi, BMW, Volvo, Lexus and Mercedes all have them. They sometimes allow one to avoid the hassle of identifying one’s location to an operator. So messy. The Audi app allows you to call for road side assistance from the app without having to talk to a human. It transmits your information, your car’s VIN and the specific problem that you have selected to the road side assistance dispatch center, and has a very zippy feedback feature from the dispatcher – it tells you what service provider is responding and their ETA. The Mercedes Android app’s earnest focus is on where one parked their car, and on how to record the details of an accident (damned peasants!). No road side assistance connectivity is included. The Volvo app is a bit more creative, allowing for in app request for road side services, tracking trips for your Volvo (checking on errant husbands and runaway teens, I guess), and giving you a bit of GM’s functionality by being able to check the status of your doors, windows and trunk security from your handheld.

The BMW app is fairly well reviled. On its face (well, from the AppStore – the Android market listing for the Android app is scanty with the information but heavy on the negative reviews) it does everything that the other European apps do and a bit more – you can request road side assistance from the app and receive confirmation/ETA, secure theft recovery support, contact BMW customer relations (presumably to complain), and get “service details” which may be the local oil change special, or an OnStar like transmission of codes directly from your car, through your handheld and to BMW service. The BMW app’s latest iOS release MAY have cured a number of the persistent complaints about it, but they seem to have a number of data connectivity issues – an inability to register even a brand new BMW, and accessing the records related to a vehicle.

Its GUI is lovely – however, it seems not to work very well, as 1 star reviews far outweigh the 5 stars. Funny thing, Allstate Roadside Assistance provides the app and the roadside service – just as it does for Audi of North America. Go figure. The Audi GUI (especially for iOS) is equally lovely, and very much Audi and works with Audi products MY 2007 and newer – the most coverage of any of these apps. The BMW GUI is pretty much what you’d expect from an iOS application.

The Volvo GUI is quirky/Scandanavian and very nice IF you have the iOS version. The Android version looks pretty plain. Be aware that the app only works with 2012 MY Volvo that have the telematics installed.

Mercedes has deployed their customary visuals for the Android application, but their iOS application is a horse of a different color entirely.

For iOS, the Mercedes mbrace application is stunning. Gorgeous GUI, and extraordinary functionality. One can call roadside assistance from the app (no data transmission here – you have to talk to a US based, highly trained MB rep), call the mbrace customer center, the M-B concierge, and the M-B Financial Client Care Center. Mind, these are CALLS that the app places for you – I can only presume that they also transmit your vehicle/customer data while making the call, but their write-up doesn’t make that clear in any manner.

Just as with the GM applications, you can locate your car on a Bing map screen, lock or unlock the car and send map and destination data from your phone to your vehicle’s nav system. Pretty slick.

Pretty slick, that is, if you have a nearly brand new Mercedes model. The mbrace service is not available for MB products with MY earlier than 2009, and will only function fully with MB products from MY 2012 forward.

Most of the negative comments to the MB app are related to the lack of reverse functionality for owners of older model MBs. They seem quite bitter, in fact. I wonder why…

How about some upstarts? Lexus has an “Enform” mobile application for both Android and iOS. The Lexus Enform application hints at road side assistance, but the app descriptions (provided by Lexus) have no information about that, other than the screen shot. The primary purpose of the Enform application is bifurcated – for those who pay for the Enform service, one can send destinations to one’s vehicle, search for good spots to eat and be merry, and .. that’s about it. For those poor suckers who didn’t pay – it’s a dealer locator, and gives access to instructional videos for each “current Lexus model”. So helpful for the pre-owned buyer who didn’t get an owner’s manual.

The consumer reviews for the “Enform” application are very sour. “Missed opportunity” is the common thread.

So, who’s the winner here? Hold on to your chairs, it’s GM.

C’mon, you might be thinking – you’re biased. I’ve read your (my) posts for years and I’ve got a magic pony fantasy for GM.

Yeah, yeah. Allow me to point out that FoMoCo has no apps at all, except for car brochures. Acura – zip. Nissan/Infiniti? Nada.

GM, though, through their existing OnStar telematics strength gives one extraordinary control over one’s vehicle even when one isn’t near it. Remote start, fuel level check, tire pressure check, battery charge status, lock/unlock, check unlock status, oil life, fuel range remaining, recent and average MPG, current mileage, direct call for roadside assistance, and navigation data to send to the car OR to OnStar for their turn by turn directions without using the map display. All of the warning lights are explained – by light as displayed – order by picture, just like McDonald’s. Awesome stuff.

Holy cow, Batman! Oh, there’s more? Searchable owner’s manual, OnStar account information, OnStar rep direct contact, or favorite dealer direct contact, parking locator/meter time remaining AND app service scheduling.

Yowzah! That’s “yowzah” IF you own a 2011 (some models) or 2012 (most models) GM car. If you don’t, you need to find one of the embittered mbrace customers, and have them buy you a drink. Or two.

Of all of these apps, the two most frequently downloaded are the GM apps, far and away. The Lexus Enform app is a distant second. Oh, wait – did I forget someone?

Yeah, I did. My earnest goal is that ChryCo get their shit together. Clearly, they’re trying.

ChryCo has a GORGEOUS iPad app for the 200 and for the 300 – except that they’re stuck in 2011. (don’t get me started on these iPad apps. I’d need more vodka). They have the best, hands down, iPad and iOS app for the Fiat 500. Show that app to a friend who’s thinking of a small car and they’ll be sold on the spot.

They have apps for the Dodge Charger, the 300, 200, Fiat 500 – that are lovely to look at, and provide basic information on vehicle operating systems – what the warning lights mean, basics for operating the touch screens, and the like. It’s a truncated owner’s manual that has a few (helpful) videos embedded into it.

Mopar? Mopey? Please. We know you’re “imported from Detroit” (which really means something given that the Lancia Thema is nothing more than a Chrysler 300 with a REALLY nice grille) but. C’mon. I know some peeps in the Motor City who can do some apps. You have the tech in the cars now (if you want to drool a bit, check out the dealer accessory Mopar EVTS and then the VERY naughty MyGig lockpick which MAY be able to turn my new 300 into a hunter/killer stealth sub), so USE it.

Chrysler should be well able to deploy the identical services as does GM/OnStar in a handheld app. AND, their new visual presentation is killer (Remember? Detroit? Imported from?) How about ADDING some functionality to this app you haven’t deployed yet? Pretty please?

I planned to give Alex Rodriguez some app love tonight, but it’s time for me to hit the hay. More on that later!